[popcorn]

Hi all,
I hope this is the right place for this. My wife and I are planning a trip south with our toddler daughter to visit my parents, who were abusive in various ways, including sexual abuse from my dad, when I was a kid. It was a wackadoo family that 'looked good' on the outside but was really pretty messed up. I have been through a lot of therapy, and confronted my parents about the past abuse a while ago. They have not really acknowledged the past abuse, but I have been able to modify our current relationship so that I am setting boundaries (and trying not to feel bad about doing it).

So... I am having all these mixed emotions about this visit and holding on to my own sanity and reality. Before I saw my parents last time, I sent an email outlining behaviors I wasn't ok with and asking that they respect my wishes and agree to not do those things so we could have a nice visit (I asked for stuff like no touching under clothes, no talk about violence, no sexual/violent references even 'playfully'). My mom, surprisingly, signed on. I didn't hear back from my dad.

Last time we saw my dad, when we went out to dinner he was holding my daughter, in public, and touching her in ways that weren't overtly sexual, but that felt off to me, and he was looking at me in this 'I dare you to say anything' way, and I felt all frozen and horrible. Like tickling her, lifting her shirt to rub her tummy-- stuff that wouldn't necessarily be bad if it weren't for the history. (So of course I question again, did I make it all up??) I go back and forth between feeling angry at my parents and my usual default, depression and self-hatred. My daughter is my prime concern. She likes my parents and has had fun with them. They love her (and me) but that doesn't change the fact that they are crazy.

Am I crazy to be visiting them at all? I would never leave my parents alone with my daughter, and generally feel that a)there might be enough good in them, or at least my mom, to justify a relationship, and b) I feel like I 'should' see them. But I am annoyed and nervous that my dad ignored my ground rules email, and afraid that my dad will creep me out again and I will feel tiny and frozen again and not be able to assert myself.

Anyone have advice for navigating adult relationships with abusive families of origin, especially with kids? Wisdom is welcome.

thanks,
Popcorn