[everythingwhereitbelongs]

1. Female
2. 13
3. cut. Have OD'd in the past and burnt.
   
4. Yes. When I was in the peak of my self harm 2004/5 I would generally only wear long sleeves and covered the gashes with arm socks, sweat bands, anything I could. I also used to cut on my legs which were easily covered by trousers, until they began to get really big and bad and showed through my tights when I did ballet, so I stopped that
   
5. When I used to self harm religiously, there were lots of reasons. The main one I guess was trying to find a reason, trying to find a meaning to everything. I was 13/14 and feeling so lost and alone in the world, and SI made me know that I could feel and that I was in control. It was like I could see the hurt and fear being purged from beneath my skin, and those precious minutes where it was just me and a blade were my sancitity, the only time in the world that I could feel vulnerable. Putting my sweatbands back on was like putting back my armour on, I continue being strong and brave to the outside world. Now however, things are different. I hadn't cut for over 18 months until a couple of weeks ago, and now I just keep going over and over the cuts to make sure they scar. The motive this time is very different. It's not an expression of the turmoil within, but more of a marker, a reminder of how strong I can be. However, I know that if I continue like this, it has the potential to go out of control. But I want it to scar so that I remember.
   
6. In the peak of my SI, initially, I confided in the youth worker at my church, who, little did I know, was actually professionally obliged to tell my parents as I was potentially in danger. Aside from that, there were a couple of people a bit older than me from my church who I would 'confide' in-and by that I really just mean sit with them days on end in silence, just trying to feel safe and secure in their presence.
   
7. No
8. Yes. I still do. Even though i feel that I have gotton over the main bout of SI, there are still a lot of other things in my life that affect me. I want to understand my brain, and my being, I want to feel happy with my life and who I am, and be stronger and braver and better, but I don't know how on earth I would start the conversation if I ever made an appointment with a doctor. I had a mentor during the last 18 months of school during my parents divorce (at this point I was over the main bout of SI but still harming occasionally) but never had to oppurtunity to tell her. It never came into conversation, and I'm not brave enough to put myself out there and start it myself. I regret that.
   
9. I suffer from tricholtillamania, which is an obsessive compulsive disorder where you pull your hair out from the roots. I've had this for about 7 years but only recently have began to understand it. I belive that it is a form of self harm, although this is debateable amongnst sufferers. Not much at all is really known about the condition, or how to stop it, but I belive that the behaviour is strongly linked with SI. Other than that, I've not been diagnosed with anything official, simply because I am too afraid and proud to be labelled as having 'depression' or what not. However, on the other hand, a label such as that would make me feel better about myself as it would lead to more understanding about my behaviour and thought patterns. I also possibly have an anxiety/inferiority disorder, but again am too afraid to seek help.
   
10. Yes and no. In 2004, I OD'd once and slit my wrists 5 times. I never ended up in hospital for any of them, but suffered a lot of pain and discomfort. At the time, I wanted to die, but looking back, I think that I was just seeing how far I could push myself in order to feel. Bringing myself that close heightend the feeling that I was alive
11. No
    
12. I quit self harm about a year after it began, perhaps a little longer. I then didn't cut for 18 months, but recently my patterns of behaviour have spiralled back to it again, but in a different mind set.
    
13. No, because there is always a deeper, underlying catayst attatched to the behaviour. SI is the 'symptom' of a more serious 'disease' if you like. The 'disease' being something psychological, which can span from the simple want of attention, to more complex things such as to purge oneself of badness, feeling of worthlessness and as punishment.
    
14. I would say that it went in an 'n' shape, starting small-simple tiny scatches with pins and heightened to huge gashes across my legs with blades, and taking blades with me whereever I went, and then gradually getting less and less until I stopped. My behaviour now is different, which is a bit worrying but o well.
    
15. At the end of the day, if you take away the symton, another with take its place. I belive that when i stopped SI, my hair pulling issue subconsciously got worse, replacing it. Not until the underlaying issues within the psychology are addressed will things truely get healed.
    
16. Yes. And No. I think I would say yes, simply because it is then so much hassle if people see it, and trying to cover it up and stuff, and I regret the messages and sterotypes that I am giving out. But I would also say a firm no, because I love my scars, they remind me of an old mentality that I shall not return to, they remind to stay focused and to strive to be better. This is why i am giving myself scars now, as a symbol of how far I've come. I may get them tattooed one day, who knows. Theyre in a kind of pattern so it wont look strange...
17. Yes definately, because SI has such a stigma attactched to it now of being 'the thing to do'. I belive that certain bands/sterotypes glamourise it and make it look like a fad, an attention seeking thing that young people do, and that you are really really stupid for doing it.
    
18. good on you miss keep this up this is really good, let us know your results n stuff!
    

xxxx