i don't take prescribed medication... i made this decision with my doctor after long discussions she agreed to support me with the way i want to deal with this.
that was four years ago - took me ages to adjust to life without pills - i carried the box around for ages even tho it was empty. two years ago my job brought me to japan and have never sought any kind of help here...
i despair of the mental health system and social care system in the UK but in japan it is nonexistent. i come home to england on a regular basis and see a doctor (i mean six monthly) - but because i am not resident anymore it is difficult to get anything more than a general check up.
today i feel more sick. very sick. which i think means the numb feeling is going away - i don't know if that is a good thing or not.
if i focus really hard i can make everything go white. my vision, my hearing, nothing exists. but i can't do it for long, and when the real world returns it is just as painful as it was before.
today is d-day - lots of deadlines... my bankrupt company will make an announcement on whether or not they will pay the last 3 months pay (i haven't been paid since august), and depending on that i will find out if i will make it back to england for chirstmas. i am being evicted today - my company didnt pay the rent. my ex girlfriend is being gracious enough to help me move despite the traumas i loaded onto her last week. so i have to look her in the eye and face the reality of what i did, what i can't take back.
my new insurance company will contact me to tell me whether they will cover my depression as part of my health coverage.
big day. i just want it to be over.
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