Sophia: We reported it to the police but only after the incident so they couldn't do anything. If it happens again I'll lock myself in the house and call the cops and they say they'll do something but I hope that never happens.
I've been trying to get in touch with my ECT doctor but am getting nowhere. On Wednesday I have an appointment with my normal psychiatrist so I'm going to talk to him about it and see if he can get in touch with my ECT doc as well.
I'm really hoping that the wedding and having a baby will keep me going but even if they can't help me all the way I at least have something that is good. Aside from that, I have a fiancee who loves me as I am and for who I am. He's had the option to run and find someone else, and I've told him that he doesn't have to stay with me and he could most likely do better but he's told me that he couldn't picture life without me.
I saw my psychologist for the second time on Friday and one of the things we talked about is getting me an "companion" dog. She's going to make some enquiries because she believes that this would really help me. My biggest problem is that I would actually love my dog to be a miniature schnauzer (preferably an un-docked one) but usually assistance dogs are whatever breed comes. She couldn't see the reason that a type of dog couldn't be chosen because the dog is there to be my companion, not to predict a seizure etc.
C (the psychologist) also suggested suing the hospital for the damages from the first ECT where I lost 27 years of my life. My fiancee is for the idea but I'm not so sure. I know that I lost a lot.... well obviously.... but the ECT also saved my life. I don't know if that even makes any sense. I guess it just creates a lot of confusion internally about what I want and what I value and believe.
Right now the agoraphobia has been driving me insane. I was going outside with moderate anxiety yesterday until.... I don't even know what happened. I went to go outside with my fiancee and struggled just to walk through the door. Literally my anxiety went through the roof the second I placed my foot on the mat outside. I could barely move. I just completely freaked out. My fiancee gave me 6mg of Xanax in a short period and even that barely touched the anxiety. I don't even know what I'm frightened of. I ended up sitting on the bed in tears because I just have no idea what is going on or why I feel the way I do. I'm trying to keep going outside today but I don't know if it will help.
My fiancee's birthday is tomorrow and his parents came around this morning for coffee. It was nice to have them here and not have to go to their place which is what normally happens. It was also nice that they didn't continuously talk about work - which is also what normally happens. My parents are supposed to be coming around this afternoon after which I think I'll collapse in a heap for a little while with "Bear" (my 20 year old teddy bear) and try to regain some normality.... Maybe.
Now to pull myself together before my parents arrive...
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