My mood has dropped like a stone. Again. I've been out of hospital for a month now and I want to stay out for good but I can't even last a few weeks without being back in the same ****ing place again. In short, I'm suicidal and want out. It seems so much simplier than attempting life, which I will inevitably fail at.
I'm struggling cos I don't have much to do with my time right now and I'm getting isolated. I'm applying for voluntary work and such but it takes time to set up and I'll have to occupy myself for at least another month or so. My social anxiety seems to have become unmanageable and out of nowhere. I can't bring myself to call my friends. I'm getting BPD about the whole thing and feel neglected and let down, even though I've done the same to them. It's not cool.
Another thing is everyone in my life seems to be ill and I'm struggling to find some stability and light within it all. I love these people to bits but it's difficult when everyone I seem to know is struggling at the same time. I try and help them but I don't feel like I make much of a difference.
I've gained a **** ton of weight. I actually wasn't too bothered about it, shock horror, but it's starting to grate on me. I'm at my heightest weight ever. EVER. Needless to say, I think I'm extremely fat. And I can't lose weight cos I'm addicted to food. And I can't talk to anyone about it, not to mention the above issues, because I'm too ashamed.
At the same time as all of this, as contradictory as it sounds, I feel like I'm perfectly fine and making everything up, and I don't deserve any help or care from professionals especially. I've been taken on by the PD team and I'm sure they are regretting taking me on becauses I'm clearly fine and just being dramatic and attention seeking. They are only meant to take on the most severe cases. But there is nothing wrong with me and I need to get a grip. I don't feel like I have anything to talk about in appointments, especially if I have a more stable/less dramatic week. I'm not used to working with someone who wants to hear whats been going on and I don't know what to do with it.
