here's how it went in my session.....: I did manage to tell my counsellor all the things i planned to. I felt like a right ***** some of the time but knew if i was going to move on, i had to say it. i feel like there's a lifetime of emotions stuck in my head & if i can get them out i'll feel so much better.
having been conditioned by my family not to show emotions it seems seriously scary to cry in from of my counsellor but i have done it & did this morning. we discussed what stops me crying, why i fight it &how i do that. also what would happen if i really broke down. i felt like if she tried to hug me i'd run a mile. she said she knows i dont like being touched & wouldnt hug me. i now know that actually i'd quite like it if she did. maybe then i'd finally do this breaking down thing. its probably not such a big deal but as i've put it off for decades it feels like it is.
i told her about what i'd worked out to do with my boss as well. i've had a lifetime of being overlooked by people. people that dont care not even bothering to consider my feelings. But i also know that some people value me & i know they care about me. but i cant feel those things about myself having been walked all over by so many people who used me as a doormat & left their crap behind. so this is something we're going to work on.
well i told her i'm sick of being treated by some people like i dont matter. But when people are doing it i feel so weak & vulnerable, my emotions well up. then i feel like i cant face who ever it is. not even to tell them to be polite. if i can get past that i think i might be on a winner. its just learning to be strong for myself & not automatically want to cry as soon as something happens that triggers me.
i felt like i was going to bottle out of talking to her about all this at the beginning but it gradually all came out. i was surprised i did it but despite feeling qutie uncomfortable about disclosing some of it,i knew i just had to. i think thats one of the hardest parts of therapy/counselling when you directly discuss the relationship between you and your therapist. it cant get more personal & direct than that but honesty is critical. she was very kind too.
Since then I have had one occasion when I felt vulnerable & childlike which was this morning, I'd been a bit lame at home, not doing some stuff I said I would so my partner was (justifiably irritated at me). I did say "sorry" and got on with what i was meant to have done but i wish it didnt make me like I would burst with emotion. I though about bottling it up like I usually do but though no, that's not good.
Actually I did say sorry but my partner didn't stop the criticism. What I'd have liked to have said (calmly) was "I have said sorry now and I'm getting it done so can you lay off me please as I am getting upset."
This has happened lots of times before. It isn't helpful that she goes on. We did talk a bit more & I explained I lost track of time & I just feel so lacking in motivation at the moment.
We talked some more, she was upset to see me cry but at least we behaved like adults. We've got on fine since tho I have felt emotionally bruised all day. But I think some of it is needing to grow up on my part instead of reacting how I did when I was little.
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