Thanks all. :)
I'm not exactly a social butterfly, but I'm doing better than I was in my previous place, and am more outgoing and assertive. Especially with maintenance issues etc. I'm less deeply withdrawn.
And I guess, what comes with that is realising and seeing what I've been missing all my life. But other people can feel very scary and intimidating/threatening to all my emotionally traumatised 'bits'. Terrified of getting hurt all over again, hostile withdrawal became a huge defence. Which I am confronting now. But in itself that is a lot of work, and I have to take care of me as too much out social stuff can get overwhelming when I'm not used to it. I do need lots of quiet me alone time. It's navigating it so that I don't get desperately lonely.
Like everyone else, I need people, that's how we're programmed. It's just
a] I have an innate ultra sensitivity due to early trauma
and
b] due to the bullying at school and a dictatorial home life, I 'learned' that people hurt me, that's what they do, so best to push them away and have some control.
I also have a job that is sometimes exceptionally demanding - libraries can be so much like day centres for the vulnerable in all senses of the word.. Which can be draining, but I'm getting better at containing and compartmentalising myself.
In the quiet alone time that I absolutely need to replenish and recharge, that's when the loneliness and longing and grief bites.
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