It sounds like you're doing a great job by getting out and socialising even when you don't feel like it.
I often get similar feelings of being torn between wanting everyone to leave me alone and live the rest of my life never speaking to a single soul, and wanting to be surrounded by people (I hope that's a vaguely accurate interpretation of what you were saying!).
It's a tricky one! I find it helpful to remember that people will still be there tomorrow, and it's OK to take a step back every now and again, as long as I don't hide for too long. Last night and today I felt completely overwhelmed by the simple thought of other people existing (even though they weren't in the same room as me or anything), and I managed to distance myself from a lot of things without feeling guilty, whilst looking after my need to not be completely alone by occasionally popping in for a hug from Jodie, and texting one of my best friends. Sometimes it's about finding a balance and being able to distance yourself to an acceptable degree when you need some quiet time to just take care of yourself and only talk to people who you don't need to put up a front for, if that even makes sense?
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