[snowy_owl]

...and I told her that I wanted to want that. That was true when I told her that on Friday afternoon. But Friday night, I didn't want that, I just wanted the pain to stop, for me and for my family, however possible.

It's Sunday evening now, and I don't want to get better right now. I don't even want to want that. I'm just tired and cold and sad all the time, and I want to be left alone to die.

I have an appointment with the psychologist tomorrow afternoon (Monday) and again on Thursday afternoon. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Friday afternoon.

I don't know how to tell them that sometimes I just don't want to get better. Why waste their time, if I don't want to get better? Why waste my parents' time and money? (They pay for my treatment, and I live with them.) Everyone keeps saying -- with regard to me and others -- that there's no helping people who don't help themselves, and that if people have made up their minds to self-destruct, there's no stopping them.

Most of the time I don't have hope for myself. I'm not ready to give up, not yet. I don't want people to give up on me. I know I ask so much of them, and give back nothing, and they must be at least as tired and hurt as I am. I know it's not fair to ask them to carry me when they've been carrying me for 23 years. But I don't want them to give up on me, even if I've mostly given up on myself.