RYL Forums - View Single Post

Forever alone · 11-02-2013, 02:45 AM

I write poetry to express what is in my head and my Dr reads it. She is the only one who reads it. It's dark and it scares the **** out of me. My poetry has landed me in hospital more then once. But there are times when I can't bring myself to write. I was in ICU a couple of months ago after a particularly bad day. I had tried to tell my medical team prior to this and got nowhere. My Dr was concerned, my psychiatrist knew I was bad, but they didn't know how bad I was because I couldn't tell them. Why is it so hard to simply say I'm ready to die and I need your help or that's exactly what is going to happen? I remember my mother coming to see me at the hospital afterwards. She told me how selfish I was and how angry she was with me. She then told me I best go back to sleep before she says something she regrets. I'm not sire if she understands to this day that what she said and the look on her face just made me wish I had died. My whole family would clearly be happier and better off without the burden of me in their lives.

I live at home with my mother, her husband and my three little brothers and little sister. I speak to my mum, but never honestly. I always tell her I'm fine even when I know I'm not. I wear a mask 24/7. The mask changes to suit who I'm with, but it's never me. I get scared when I'm alone as I can look in the mirror and see the truth. Cold, dark, empty eyes. I'm here but I'm really not. I have all the right things, organs, blood, breath but there is no soul. Nothing to make me human or feel alive. I simply exist because I have no choice. My siblings try to talk to me but I'm always tired or cranky. Whenever their father is around though I don't exist. He hates me and tells the kids that I'm not really their sister (I'm their 1/2 sister) and that they aren't to have anything to do with me. It's hard. I hate him, I hate my life, I hate ME!!

I wish I knew what to do. How to act. How to be normal and happy like everyone else. But I don't. I have given up trying. I now simply wait. For what, I don't know. All I know is that those little voices are getting louder and more persistent and are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore

11-02-2013, 02:45 AM	#3
Forever alone Katie Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Tamworth, NSW, Australia I am currently:	I write poetry to express what is in my head and my Dr reads it. She is the only one who reads it. It's dark and it scares the **** out of me. My poetry has landed me in hospital more then once. But there are times when I can't bring myself to write. I was in ICU a couple of months ago after a particularly bad day. I had tried to tell my medical team prior to this and got nowhere. My Dr was concerned, my psychiatrist knew I was bad, but they didn't know how bad I was because I couldn't tell them. Why is it so hard to simply say I'm ready to die and I need your help or that's exactly what is going to happen? I remember my mother coming to see me at the hospital afterwards. She told me how selfish I was and how angry she was with me. She then told me I best go back to sleep before she says something she regrets. I'm not sire if she understands to this day that what she said and the look on her face just made me wish I had died. My whole family would clearly be happier and better off without the burden of me in their lives. I live at home with my mother, her husband and my three little brothers and little sister. I speak to my mum, but never honestly. I always tell her I'm fine even when I know I'm not. I wear a mask 24/7. The mask changes to suit who I'm with, but it's never me. I get scared when I'm alone as I can look in the mirror and see the truth. Cold, dark, empty eyes. I'm here but I'm really not. I have all the right things, organs, blood, breath but there is no soul. Nothing to make me human or feel alive. I simply exist because I have no choice. My siblings try to talk to me but I'm always tired or cranky. Whenever their father is around though I don't exist. He hates me and tells the kids that I'm not really their sister (I'm their 1/2 sister) and that they aren't to have anything to do with me. It's hard. I hate him, I hate my life, I hate ME!! I wish I knew what to do. How to act. How to be normal and happy like everyone else. But I don't. I have given up trying. I now simply wait. For what, I don't know. All I know is that those little voices are getting louder and more persistent and are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore