Hi Katie.
First of all; welcome to RYL :) I hope you find this site helpful and supportive.
All of the things you've described in your post back be very isolating and can make you feel very alone - but I hope simply by looking around this site and the forums you know that's not true. You're in no means alone.
It's hard to reach out and ask for help when things have been going on as long as they have been for you. It can be hard to explain things to doctors without them simply throwing another diagnosis at you; however I think you've taken the first step at reaching out to us here, so well done :)
Have you thought about maybe writing down how you're feeling for you doctor etc? Sometimes it's easier to explain how you're feeling, especially when it comes to the dark thoughts from depression or suicidal thoughts, by writing it all down before an appointment and either letting them read it or reading it out to them?
Do you socialise at all with the people in your household? They might not understand exactly what you're going through or how you're feeling but it might simply help to have someone to distract you when the dark thoughts start or to simply let them know you're struggling? Many of my friends don't understand what I am going through but simply saying to them 'I am doing badly at the moment' is enough to let them know I need a hug/distraction/someone to vent to etc.
I hope you find help within this site and you're able to reach out to your doctor.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me anytime.
x x x x
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