Thanks Kat :) to be honest, the biggest reason I'm not self harming is because I just don't have the energy to deal with my husbands constant questioning of my happiness. It's just irritating to hear "are you ok?" 50 times a day and the look of "I don't believe you" when I say I am ok. I'm also studying nursing which makes me feel a bit hypocritical hurting myself when I'm wanting to heal others. I know the feeling and thought if SI will probably never go away, I went 4 years SI free and still thought about it everyday. I'm just tired of the constant battling against my own thoughts. I know my head is a lot clearer when I'm not self injuring and so I'm trying really hard to refrain from using it as a way of getting some relief. I think the main reason I can't get it out of my head is because I feel like nothing else will give me that same feeling. It's like finally getting a deep enough breath in and then releasing it at the right pace. I don't SI to feel, I do it to still my mind and everything else around me. It's like the whole world stops for a moment. I also do it when I'm angry with myself as a form of punishment as I know the aftermath hurts me more than a blade ever could and feel like I deserve that shame and guilt. So yeah, it's kind of used for conflicting reasons...can you say love hate relationship much? Anyway, I'm sure I'll push through, just getting frustrated that I can't do it without hubby being effected by it.
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