Right now I don't know whether I want to kill myself or start attacking myself again. I'm 4 years and 4 months free of SI, but the urges are as strong as my first few days without it. Why is it that my brain is telling me that cutting myself is the only way I can cope, and that one cut would solve all my problems? Every day I'm still fighting this battle, and I try to look at it as one day at a time, but that isn't easy. Still, one day at a time is enough.
My fiancee isn't aware of this but I have a suicide date set and a plan made. It's still quite a way off, and I'm not 100% sure that I'm going to go through with it on this date. In some ways I think it is making life easier to cope with, just by having a date and a plan. Right now I don't even know whether I should go through with it or not. I just don't know how to cope with what is happening in my world and this is my brains way of coping with it.
I would really like the urges to go away... just for a little while would be enough. Feeling like I'd rather kill or attack myself than do anything else is becoming extremely hard to deal with. I think I'd better email my psych and see if there's anything he can do. The other option is to open up to my fiancee, but he's unwell and I don't want to stress him.
I guess the decision is mine and has to be made soon. *sigh*
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