You know where you say something enough you might believe it? Maybe some kind of mantra like the positive self-help ones, but more aimed at recognizing that what he did was wrong, abuse, and any nice things he did were aimed at controlling you, he destroyed you, etc etc.... my thinking is you need to alter how you feel about him so you can deal with those emotions freely. I also think you need closure. Why do you have his ashes? Why not someone else? Why do you keep rather than scatter, bury, throw away (harsh I know) them. It seems like this is your last physical reminder of your father, if the ashes are there then so is he. I don't think you grieved properly for him - how could you? And my personal opinion is you need him gone, love you x
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