I think there's a lot of reasons sexual things could be scary. Did anyone talk to you about sex, or did you go through a sex ed program? If not, maybe that's contributing somewhat to how you're feeling. Also, sex in general can be a scary thing. It means that you're fully trusting someone with your body, which regardless of past experiences isn't always an easy thing.
I would also think that the fact that the first time it happened, you had a panic attack, clearly didn't enjoy it, and it kept happening anyway (although I assume this was with consent) could contribute to negative feelings about it. Do you think that's a possibility? It sounds like you definitely weren't ready then and maybe still aren't, but that's a personal choice.
That said, I don't know what might or might not have happened to you as a child, and I don't know how you would go about figuring that out, maybe someone else has advice for that. I'm sorry things are hard and I'm around if you want to talk.
|