I love you Meggymoo <3 What you're describing is really common. You were so poorly for a long while and to now have a medication that is working, it's like you've all of a sudden been thrown back in to the world and it's totally understandable you would feel overwhelmed by it all, honestly. I think you have done so amazingly well to get to where you are now and I'm so proud of you. You're a beautiful person, inside and out and I totally have faith in you. You can come through this and learn what an amazing person you are and what you are capable of. Look at the University work that you've been doing? It's just the start Meg. You can make a really good life for yourself and you're doing it. I really think it would be a good idea to speak to your CPN about this. I totally get your worries about doing it, but you trust them right? I just think that if they know about the self harm, and what you're struggling with now, they will be able to reassure you better.
I think that the monster's you describe are totally different. The monster from before was so so horrible. Think of all of the shit you have had to go through to get to this point, and you beat it. The monster you describe that is here now is also beatable, and what if it's not so much a monster, but maybe a stranger that you haven't met yet? Everything that you are feeling is totally understandable and I know loads of people will be able to relate.
You ARE improving. I know you are panicking about being destructive, but honestly you're doing amazingly. Try talk to the CPN? When you say you worry that they will overreact, what does overreacting mean to you? What do you think will happen?
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