It is brave of you to admit that there is a problem and it is something that needs to be resolved.
As Shed advised, it sounds like you need to get some help in addressing your abandonment issues. I understand that you can't afford therapy right now but do you think you could speak to your doctor about the problems you are having?
It's important to try and be objective in this situation, I understand that you love your pet and that you want the best for them, and their welfare should be a priority in doing that. Is there anyone who could help you look after your cat during the times that you find difficult or triggering? I'm unsure what you mean by your pets "leaving" you. Do you mean when your pet goes outside to roam or something else?
Something you could try is buying a stuffed animal? Perhaps when you feel these triggering situations you can use a stuffed animal as a release for these emotions rather than your pet itself? It might help in relieving these emotions in a safe way that ensures your cats welfare as well as your emotional wellbeing.
Also, you could try setting a strict routine with the care of your cat. Perhaps that will help ease your worry and give you the sense of control that you talked about. Having set times of feeding, playing and letting them out could help reduce the anxiety you feel when you perceive them leaving you, as this would be more under your control? Also, many cats thrive with a sense of structure in their lives.
I hope you're able to resolve this issue.
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