[Binou]

Dear all,

I am coming here to try and find some support regarding ways of recovering from the long-term consequences of bullying.

I was relatively a loner as a child, and very early on my interests appeared very different from those of my classmates, making me always remain a little cautious in what I would say in order not to be rejected. I was chronically labeled as a "genius" and also sometimes seemed to be an "alien" to my classmates (and they sometimes looked like "aliens" to me but I did not express it). There were moments when, suddenly, I would realize everybody was wondering why I laughed at that moment / spoke that way / etc. and this was quite unpredictable hence all the more unpleasant. I was also sometimes a target of low level bullying - though nothing regular.

This was until I reached 10th grade when things got much worse: I spent the whole year being bullied i.e. having 4 guys regularly coming from recess to spit their cigarettes in my face, and sometimes hit me. Regularly also, I would walk into the high school and classmates were on my way making fun of me, and to diverse degrees I was alert for aggressive behaviours from 25 out of 35 students in that class.

I had absolutely no control over that: most of the bullying was regular and predictable but I was still trapped, with no way of escaping it. I tried to hit back, but could not even touch them, as they were already a few meters away laughing when I started trying to hit back. I repeated to myself that "all human beings (except my parents) are, by definition, robbers, liars and criminals". I knew this was wrong but hoped it would help me be more aggressive, as I thought such a thing would help me counter the bullying better. Despite my knowing that this 'mantra' was wrong, I managed to get it into my head quite well, but it did not help me at all with the bullying. I did control one thing: they said they wanted me to stop raising my hand in class and having good grades, so I was able to do that one thing they did not want me to do and continued having good grades and raising my hand.

All this was actually years ago: some 23 years ago now! I am now reasonably outgoing with colleagues, fun, I do public presentations without a problem, avoid making small talk and tend to think of myself as dismal at human relationships even though I am not isolated. I do not have a personal life to this day either.

What brings me here is that, surprisingly, in recent professional meetings these past two weeks, I have been about to blurt out things about my being an "alien on feet" (which is what I tend to think I am but not something very appropriate to say!) who "should not exist" (this is harsher). I actually spoke of bullying once but in an appropriate way. I also was about to speak about issues related to this past when the subject of the meeting was only remotely related. This surprised me: it is as if these issues were coming closer to the surface, while I tend to forget them even though they do have an impact on my everyday life. I also believe that it's maybe about time that I dealt with that issue for real and recovered fully from it...

I am therefore seeking to know more about ways to recover from bullying in the long run. The most short-term effects are long gone, but the more long-term effects linger and do not seem to necessarily "go away all alone". Any idea about how one can recover one's life in the long run after isolation coupled with bullying?

Thank you for any help... And if I can assist others in any way, I will happily do so :)

Binou