I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. After a re-read this all sounds so convoluted. I know what I want and I know how to get it, and I even think I can, I just won't let myself do it and I'm not sure why. And I don't know how to change that. I feel incredibly ungrateful for saying so but it's making me hate my life, hate myself, which makes it even harder to mobilize myself. I live in shame and fear and guilt and undeserving... Though I want to be well I won't let it happen... I am my own worst enemy...
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