Kahlia you poor soul you have been faced with so many trials as of late but you are doing so well so try to stay strong.
It's such a hard balancing act when your main support ie your fiancée is not well, I always feel guilty like i am burdening mine with my problems especially just now whe things as rough. It will be hard for I'm too as he will want to be here for you and striking that point where you give him enough information to keep him informed without worrying his is always very tricky but I think maybe in this case confiding all and then reassuring by telling him steps out taken to stay safe might be a good idea such as a friend coming to stay or asking someone else to look after the lack box key for you so the temptations not there. I think things are always harder at night when you don't have someone there, I know my darkness spirals take ver a lot more and I am prone to be more destructive as there is no one there to stop me. With that said could you maybe get friends or family to come stay with you or even borrow someone's dog or pet so that you have a feeling of company at night?
It's so rubbish to hear about your partner and the hospital, how are things now any better? He will be doubly frustrated as if he like most males he will just want to protect you fom the world so he can manage if your struggling and they are doing something but if he feels he's not getting the support he needs and therefore it's not best utilising the time I can not imagine how frustrated he must be.
It so great to hear your hoping to tweak your meds. You don't have to be off oxy's for pregnancy and they have not be proven to cause infertility or misscarriges. The biggest prib is withdrawl when their born however with monitoring for the first few weeks and especially if you breast feed you can almost naturally wean them off and prevent withdrawl probs (well according to my obs anyway) with my physical disabilities and long standing family history of fertility probs I was told I'd be unlikely to conceive or if I did my body would get to point where couldn't take stress and would try to abort. Here in Scotland if your likely to be a high risk or face probs either trying or during pregnancy or oth they recommend prepregnancy councillng.
This is basically and our or so long session with an infertility and obs specialist consultant who will run through issues, how they will be handled various scenarios you might face and so on. The guy I had was great and although it was clear having would be a big problem if I could conceive after the session I at least knew that if I did or they were able to do ivf what my options would be if I had problems such as weekly monitoring through 1st and 2nd trimester and monthly scans to being admitted for final trimester to ensure complete bedrest and away from any stressful situations. As he said if they can delivery a baby of a heroin addicted prostitute there was no reason why they could not support me in my choice to try/have a child regardless of my disabilities or mh issues. Might be worth a try, I survive by controlling things and my environment and it put a lot of my concerns at rest a bit aswell as I knew in more detail what I faced and if infertility was prob (like it was) what options I had from hormon drugs to ivf.
Your mum is maybe a bit scared. Our family history is not great and my mum had 5 misscarriges between the 3 and 6 month mark one of which ment her whole womb collapsing in on itself. With that in mind we haven't told anyone and the Bly people who know is my mum and our 2 bosses. We are not telling anyone else including remaining parents and brothers and sisters until the 6 month mark. This said my mum is very reserved about her emotions when it comes to the pregnancy but. Think she just knows how hard it was for her and until things are more safe I don't think she wants to get my hopes up. You will be more prone to post natal dep but you have a great support network and there s lots of help out there so I wouldn't let it put you off. For me having a baby would be like getting some purpose in my life back so even though things will be really rough if it works I think having the baby will help give me that positive drive I struggle to find.
How did the conference go, well I hope? It sounds like such a fantastic thing to be involved in! Always here if you need to talk, you are so strong (although it may not feel that may just now) try and keep yourself busy, I find that helps to keep my mind on activities from something creative like sewing and writing to baking, might be worth a try *hugs* xxx
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