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aisatsanaraed · 23-09-2012, 08:40 PM

i have taken a backwards slide. i have allowed and even encouraged this.

i know what i want my life to look like and feel like and be like, and most of it is within my reach. i just won't allow myself to pursue it. i sort of know why (fear of success, feelings of undeserving, etc), but i'm not sure how to change the paralysis.

"less talking, more doing" plays on repeat in my head, but i can't seem to follow it. i'm also struck by "your beliefs don't make you a better person. your behavior does." very fitting since i can envision how i want to live and am capable of doing so, but don't act accordingly.. i hardly believe in stealing, cutting, binging, skipping school/work/therapy, avoiding loved ones, drinking, generally depriving myself of things that make me happy, and so on..

i do manage to control these things and even pursue my passions for a period of time, but it never lasts. i want to be well and make a difference in this world.. i even know what i need to do to fulfill those things! every day that i'm not well and continue to be a burden rather than a help brings me further shame and guilt, further feelings of undeserving and self-punishment, and further paralysis... why won't i change? how can i undo this cycle?

thank you for simply reading <3 questions, advice, and challenges welcome.

23-09-2012, 08:40 PM	#1
aisatsanaraed Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: northeastern usa I am currently:	paralysis i have taken a backwards slide. i have allowed and even encouraged this. i know what i want my life to look like and feel like and be like, and most of it is within my reach. i just won't allow myself to pursue it. i sort of know why (fear of success, feelings of undeserving, etc), but i'm not sure how to change the paralysis. "less talking, more doing" plays on repeat in my head, but i can't seem to follow it. i'm also struck by "your beliefs don't make you a better person. your behavior does." very fitting since i can envision how i want to live and am capable of doing so, but don't act accordingly.. i hardly believe in stealing, cutting, binging, skipping school/work/therapy, avoiding loved ones, drinking, generally depriving myself of things that make me happy, and so on.. i do manage to control these things and even pursue my passions for a period of time, but it never lasts. i want to be well and make a difference in this world.. i even know what i need to do to fulfill those things! every day that i'm not well and continue to be a burden rather than a help brings me further shame and guilt, further feelings of undeserving and self-punishment, and further paralysis... why won't i change? how can i undo this cycle? thank you for simply reading <3 questions, advice, and challenges welcome.
	Someday we will say: "Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which [s]he has overcome." (((( love ))))