hey you sound like you have bad anxiety problems which explains the panic attacks and feeling ill all the time, i too have bad anxiety so i know what its like. and you have every right to be proud for not cutting for that long that is a massive acheivement hun :) i'm proud of you
no need to apologize for not being on here we are always here to help.
things do seem rather tough for you at the moment but if you can try find something small everyday that makes you smile or say one positive thing to yourself it helps :)
look if you are not feeling comfortable and still getting the urges to self harm you need to let your feelings out to those who love you and care for you. they can help you and thats all they want to do, if you're not happy don't put on a front for other people you want to get better and you need their support to do it.please let people help you
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