Kahlia I can't imagine what your going through, when I broke my back it took we 3 months of rehab to get to a point where I was realised from hospital all be it on crutches and a spinal brace. I hated it I spent a year in the brace complaining something was wrong with my leg, it wasn't until I got out of the brace and they started neurological tests they took me seriously (basically because the neurologist was able to cut my foot open o the sole and I didn't move a muscle) however not having an answer hung over me. I have always healed funny with keloid scars etc so iv never been a normal case which I can only describe as the most frustrating thing so my heart does go out to you as this time round it almost broke me.
I am currently 14wks pregnant news we never thought to hear after being advised against it by consultants due to my physical issues we were told it would be unlikely I would conceive and they would not recommend if as my body would be unlikely to take strain therefore causing risk to baby. That said so far things are going ok, I get monitored every week due to the high risk nature and thankfully my midwife is very understanding and I have had no lectures about opiates, psych drugs and so on. My family history isn't great either, but I suppose what I'm saying is don't loose hope of having that child. The obstetrician we have is great no lectures about meds and in her words 'if we can help someone who has a heroin addiction to have a kid I see no reason why your pregnancy won't be successful) seroquel is an awkward tablet there haven't been any long term studies about its effects in pregnant women but I think coming down is always good but don't feel the pressure to come completely off as ultimately you need to be able to see through the pregnancy with all mh stuff it brings.
It is really daft the smell thing but it was one of the few things that got me through hospital when my fiancée was lying elsewhere with a broken back and so unable to visit. I find it a huge saviour for my PTSD probs and if I am traveling in a car without him I always spray on his cologn to try and help reassure me. Wow the clubhouse stuff sounds so fantastic I am so I awe of you I would love to give a voice like that but there isn't much like that over here.
Understandably I think you have too much playing on your mind which is why you probably find you can't settle. Iv now not slept for 4 nights straight (since I found out about my fiancée surgery) normally would resort to a cocktail of painkillers and sleeping tablets but I can't do that now because I'm pregnant which is making things harder to cope with as I'm not safe at night at the best of times and with everything on top being awake is the last thing I need. I have taken to cooking, playing piano and to try and fulfill the SI deserve scraperfoil art. Try having a little list of things that you can do if you can't settle which you can pick up and leave, like baking bread, you mix the dough, leave for half an hour, kneed it like crazy, leave to proof for a few hours, separate up and bake.
Could you Skype your fiancé? I have been doing that with mine from hospital just before I try to sleep so between that and the cologn it feels a bit more like he's here.
Hugs xxxx
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