Kahlia, I feel so sorry for your fiancée, it's so hard when a nurse or doctor thinks they know better and question he drugs your on. Iv lost count how many closed minded people have done this too me, often the emergency personnel being the worst which is dire! It's so good he likes the psychiatrist it took me 6 months to open up and trust my guy so having someone you trust is so important.
It can be so hard when your ill and they keep coming back with no answers. I had that problem when I broke my back I continually complained of problems with my left leg and numbness as well as problems in my vision it got put off and put off continually have tests and no answers it got to the point it was determined as undefined nerve damage and therefore there was nothing they could do and I was supposed to be happy with that being left as disabled but consultants continually questioning whether it was 'all in my head' because of my psych problems. Finally a my psychologist referred me to this new experimental neurology expert and he diagnosed functional paralysis, I thought I would never get an answer and had 3 years of frustration before getting anywhere but sometimes things can tip in your favour. I would think because of your recent problems they will at least take the investigations more seriously which sounds a bit twisted but sadly it's often true.
I went and double checked my meds im on seroquel too (that's what I know as quitiapime) that is a pretty steep dose, how are you finding coming down? I have been trying to reduce mine because of the pregnancy but just as this has happened life has kicked off (il cover this later) and I just can't cope. The biggest thing iv noticed with it is my reliance on it to help me settle enough to get a few hours sleep.
I think the empty house thing is far from daft, I am have been considered not safe in a house by myself, in particular overnight, for about a year for a very similar reason. The empty feeling for me just resembles everything iv lost in my life so friends and family take it in turns if Craig is not here withnwnoever is staying sharing a bed with me. That said typically this role falls to 2 people my best friend or my mum. I put one of Craig's smelly t-shirts on a pillow that I can then cuddle and smell at night which helps a bit. Have you tried that I also wear his deodorant and stuff, I know it's weird and I currently smell like a boy but it does make a difference. My biggest problem with myself is gong round and round and round and not being able to pull myself out of that destructive downward and hatred spiral so I so feel for you, the feeling of complete lack of control is so scary especially when you don't have a person here that you can physically and emotionally lean on. It's quite common for me to loose track of actions at night other than my blackouts, I still really struggle with nightmares and flashbacks as a result of our accident so I don't get much more than 3 hours sleep a night if things are hard (like just now) I'm lucky if I get anything and when this happens I often couldn't tell you whether I had had a shower or not let alone whether I got up in the night :p
Wow that meeting sounds fantastic, what is it about? I'm sure he understands that activities like that make a big difference, especially when you have a mh issue. I need to feel needed and that my life has some purpose and getting involved with things whether it's been the local coffee morning or work has been essential to help me stay grounded.
Things have been bad here, my fiancé has been waiting for surgery for a tumor in his knee. The operated last year, removing 7cm3 of bone and replaced with donor bone. They thought they had got it all however we found out early this year, about march, that it was back and the was another tumour. The plan had been to repeat the surgery conducted however the consultant called him in on tues following some test slots coming through and its not great news. As a result he was taken in for a triple biopsie yesterday and his big op will be middle of October. The October op will depend on the biopsie results but basically options are amputation, hallow out and fill with medical cement or take a bone saw remove bone completely and rebuild with combination of plates, pins and donor bone. As things stand the most likely option is the final one.
I feel so lost, my fiancé has all this going on so I can't burden him with my problems just now, he needs me to be strong he gets by, by believing everything's doing to be ok (something I definitely don't do) so I'm continually plastering on this cold calm 'face' making out I'm fine I can cope everything is just peachy while inside I'm crumbling faster than a oatcake! I have very traditional views and as iv said I like to feel needed so the fact I haven't been able to look after him the way I want really gets to me, I couldn't even drive hm into the hospital because becuases of my PTSD I'm too scared to drive! I just feel I'm letting him down and that people are judging me and my ability to be a good wife. I think because the baby is coming although no one knows about that yet I can't help but have that playing on my mind, I mean if I can't look after a full grow man how can I look after a baby!? Things are not helped by the fact that I do not see eye to eye with his mother and she has been the be iv had to tur to to drive him into hospital-something she has loved holding over me'her boy will always need her'. She was even in tears the morning of the surgery that how could I possibly up him on 'that' bed (which she slept in the night before and my fiancé will have to sleep in after the surgery because he can't do stairs) I have slept on that bed plenty before and been fine even with my broken back! It's daft and probably just insecurity but I really took this hard, especially when she is then raising maybe he would be best with her (although she knows I wouldn't be able to go, not that she offered) as he needs his 'mama' to look after him properly and there is no way she would out her poor injured son on a bed like that!
It's a huge insecurity for me and so triggering for my destructive periods it's like instant fuel as the doubt, pain and frustration take over my body. Maybe he will be better with her, I can't offer him the care he deserves but I know she offers less and would be about less (she got her way after the last surgery) so this is based on experience she even wouldn't allow me to come out and see him because 'she was too busy' or just wanted her own space, I mean come on! I'm just scared she will try the same trick again and I will loose him, he says he is happy here but I think because I'm not happy with how much I can offer him I can't believe he can be happy.
Phew sorry for the huge email, I'm having a similar night to our last night so have probably waffled on between tears but just needed to get it all out. Did you manage to get some sleep?
Hugs xxx
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