Things seem a little bit calmer in one sense.. thanks for asking...
I'm continuously properly understanding more and more.
Like, I have big issues with being given responsibilities. I either go the whole hog and come across pathologically perfectionist, or I shirk them completely and sulk and go all resentful... not a nice combo. Sometimes I even have a bit of both going on at once... :| This is because I was never trusted with anything when I was growing up. Or for years as a young adult. To my father [who'd endured emotional abuse/controlling type behaviours from his Mum, growing up and into adulthood]. Countless times I was called 'a useless female' or 'useless object'. The same for my Mum, she had that treatment too.
[Please note that my father mellowed with age, and, while he has his quirks, he is not like that any more. Also my work in therapy has helped change my family relationships too.]
Obviously I usually ascribe the bullying as being the cause of my 'attack complex', believing people are always after me.. but living with a father who had [undiagnosed and untreated, but there none the less] paranoia takes it's toll too. Every time we had something new and he/we couldn't get it to work just right, it was 'ruined', and, yes, it was either me or my Mum or both of us who had ruined it. On purpose. If something didn't go quite right, the day was ruined. If a meal was a little over cooked or cool, then the whole meal was ruined too. Damn, I 'ruined' a heck of a lot of things just by existing, being in the same room and breathing the same air.. I'm understanding more and more about this as I type.. and understanding gives me a feeling of more empowerment and hope to conquer this. Also when he'd lost something, either Mum had 'hidden it on purpose', or 'someone's been in and taken it/hidden it'. It was a very frightening and hostile environment to live in, and no wonder it's left me with so much fear and anger which I struggle often to manage.
*breathes*
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