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wanting abuse?
Want to know if I'm a freak for thinking this? I was bullied throughout much of school by a number of people; I don't have friends right now, and have never had a relationship (this area was mentioned in the bullying, among others). I've had a rocky family relationship over the years too. Right now I'm signed off work, and not sure if I want to go back - I have no other job, plans or career path, so at 20 I'm stuck at home with no life or social life, and no hope of a future! I keep thinking about the bullying, even though it finished a few years ago, and at the time I considered it normal. Part of me almost wishes I was still being bullied, because then at least I would have a reason to be upset, and I could say the lack of job etc doesn't matter so much as I'm taken up with coping with a horrible situation. It would almost give me a purpose in life, to endure it. And I hate myself so much and feel so worthless that I feel like I deserve to be punished anyway. And then at least there would be sort of a 'well done for coping with this horrible stuff' as opposed to the fact that I'm doing nothing, going nowhere. Am I insane??
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