Now im getting the suicidal thoughts, night really is the hardest with them. I think its because theres noone I can talk to meaning I have to go through it alone. Would it really be so bad if i "left" i dont really want to be here anymore, its full of pain, shame and torment. I havnt had anything positive happen to me since before christmas I think. Are maybe the positive things have been happening but im so far gone they dont make an impact on me. I dont know. I feel desperate but its not help im desperate for its release, i want release from all of thease feelings. Help can give me that yes but not in the short term. This makes me feel like im screwed, it makes me feel like I have no other choice, I dont want to spend another night lieing awake tihnking all thease triggering thoughts wishing for sleep. Im purposefully avoiding bed so I dont have to do that. Where do I go from here? it seems I have two options I either stop fighting all this shit and "leave" or I keep trying. Neither of them choices seem good enough. I want the third choice of i leave temporarily until everythings all better again. Im not going to get that though am I.
Why am I even still posting in here its 6 fucking pages long! im sure everyone has the idea that I feel shit by now. Maybe I should let this thread die. I dont have that much fight left in me anymore anyway. In all honesty I tihnk im safe enough from suicide at the moment, but I have alot of doubts about weather il still be alive at the end of the summer holiday.
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