[Buttons.]

Shortly afterwards I was lead down what seemed like a baffling array of corridors until I reached 'my' room which I would be sharing with another patient. Reaching my bed I collapsed onto it, utterly exhausted. Before I did so I asked pleadingly of the staff member who had shown me the ropes if while my bags were being searched she could bring me one of my books.

Words are and have always been my lifeline. She smiled warmly and agreed, materialising minutes later with a book in her hand. Handing it to me she withdrew, leaving my to acclimatise to my new surroundings. After scanning my room, taking in everything, from the view from the window to the pattern of the bed curtains I attempted to lose myself in my book. I gave up periodically out of frustration as the words refused to draw me in as they usually would. Every small sound outside my room made me jump out of my skin.

After a short while I heard the door to the room open. Peering round the curtain dividing the beds of myself and my roommate I saw a girl with a round friendly face enter the room. Spotting me she smiled warmly as she searched for something amongst her belongings. I smiled nervously back before opening my mouth to speak. 'Hi I'm Katy,' I began.
'Sarah,' she provided, 'So how are you settling in?'
'It's a bit nerve wracking,' I admitted.
'Oh I know,' empathised Sarah, 'When I first arrived here I just hid in here and cried! Have you been out into the lounge or anything at all yet?' I shook my head.
'Only stuck my head in when the staff showed me around.'
'Well I'm just going there myself for a read, do you want to come with and I'll give you the real tour and introduce you to everyone?' Sarah offered, gathering up her book.

I considered, unsure whether in my fragile state I could cope with introductions just yet. 'Come on, it's better than hiding in here,' Sarah encouraged. 'Plus you'll get a tick on your obs chart and the more ticks you get, the sooner they think about letting you out!'
'Ticks?' I repeated enquiringly.


'Oh yeah, you don't know about the tick system do you?' laughed Sarah. 'The staff think we don't know about it but we do. Basically each time they come and check on you (I'm assuming you'll be on fifteen minute observations at the moment?)' I nodded 'They put a tick or a cross next to your name and make a note of what you're doing later. How many ticks or crosses you have helps determine obs levels, privileges, when you get to leave, all the stuff like that. For example if you just stay in your room and don't socialise, you get a cross, because you're not 'engaging'. That's how I got caught out in the first few days' she shared, winking conspiratorially. 'Apparently reading in the lounge instead of your room is 'socialising' even if you aren't talking to anybody.' Sarah rolled her eyes good-naturedly. ' So yeah you do activities, you're engaging. Opt out, not engaging. Get up in the morning, engaging. Stay in bed, not engaging. Attend meals…well you get the point.' I nodded. 'So you going to come for the tour? Do you smoke? The next cigarette break is in about half an hour.'
'I guess so, and yes I do, I'm absolutely gasping!' I said, with feeling. Grabbing my book I clambered off my bed and followed her out into the corridor.

Sarah then proceeded to take me round the unit, providing helpful details that the staff had neglected to mention. 'These toilets are usually locked, but it's worth asking a staff member to unlock it for you, as the unlocked one by the lounge is one the guys use, and some of them don't aim well.' Noted. 'Ladies lounge. Mostly we use the shared lounge but the boys tend to have control over the TV remote, so if you particularly want to watch anything, here's the best place to come. This is the office, you want any of your stuff, or want to borrow the hair drier or straighteners or anything, this is is the place to come. Don't be afraid to knock loudly, sometimes they fein deafness if they're busy.' And so the tour went on until we arrived in the main shared lounge. 'Right so this is the main lounge, we have our meals in here and most people hang out here during the day. Me and some of the less crazy people have a bit of a book club, we all tend to sit together and read. Technically socialising, so tick, but don't actually have to interact much, win for us.'

She lead me over to a couple of sofas in the corner, where a man in shorts and a T-shirt with a friendly face was sat perusing a magazine. 'Hey Peter, this is Katy, she just got admitted today,' offered Sarah, by way of an introduction. Peter put down the magazine and smiled at me, offering his hand to shake. 'Hi Katy, welcome!' I smiled and shook the offered hand. 'Nice to meet you.' Sarah flopped onto the sofa adjacent to Peter's and opened her book. Following her lead I sat down next to Peter, opened my own and began to scan the page, although most of my attention was focused on taking in the lounge and sizing up the other patients, trying to figure out who looked friendly, who didn't, who seemed likely to be sociable and who it was best to leave alone.

Eventually I heard a staff member call loudly 'Cigarette time everybody!' and I leapt up as though burned. I quickly joined the queue at the patio doors which seemingly led to the smoking area, fumbling for my cigarettes as I did so. Once outside I waited patiently for a staff member to light my cigarette for me then withdrew, inhaling deeply and gratefully. Leaning back against the wall I sighed. Despite Sarah and Peter's friendliness, my parents' support and the staff's reassurances, it had been a very, very long day.