Mark: Thanks big brother.
Well my mood hasn't really improved. I had to wake my fiancee up last night because I was not able to trust myself not to OD on ... pretty much everything we have in the medication drawer. I thought I was fine until I was lying in bed with the lights off and had nothing to distract me. Right at that point I also realised that I don't really have anyone that I can call when I'm severely low and/or suicidal. There's noone in my family I can ring, and none of my local friends are possible either.
I made it through the night (obviously) but my fiancee had to delve into the medication drawer and give me 2mg of Xanax. He also sat with me until I had calmed down - although he did keep falling asleep on me. I told him that he could go back to bed and I'd just stay sitting on the couch, but he was prepared to sit with me all night if that was what was required. I felt so bad for waking him up... I knew especially that he needed his sleep last night because today and tomorrow he has been and will be moving furniture and other such things for most of the day. I kept apologising to him for waking him up. I still feel bad for it, despite him telling me time and again that he would rather stay up all night, or get woken several times a night, than wake to find me dead. Right now I guess that I don't/didn't feel that there was enough reason to wake him up. *shrug*
My chest infection appears to be getting worse instead of better and I'm almost finished the first course. This afternoon my fiancee nearly sent me to hospital because of both the wheezing and the trouble breathing. I'm kind of glad that he didn't but we're both keeping an eye on both the breathing issues and the cough (which is getting worse every day). There has to be a way to "cure" this infection, and to stop it turning into pneumonia once again. Personally, I think I could do with pneumonia this year... there's enough stuff for me to contend with already.
Today I got my arse into gear and did some major work on my studies for the week. One of my subjects gave us a tutorial of 167 pages that was ... not easy to follow to say the least. It took me quite some time to do, so I don't think the on-campus students would have been able to complete it in the 2 hours tutorial time... That one seriously would have required an hour or two of individual study time. I've also done my readings and downloaded my lecture videos ready to watch over the weekend. At least my first assignment for one subject has been started and neither subject's first assignment is due for two weeks. I still have to work myself quite hard and see how much I can achieve though.
My glasses have arrived but they only told me when they rang to say that the glasses were ready for collection that the frames I had chosen for my sunglasses were out of stock and wouldn't be back in stock for quite some time. I went in and picked a new pair but I asked why they couldn't tell me sooner because the supplier would have known they weren't in stock the second the order was placed. Apparantly the manager of the store has made complaints to the suppliers because they keep allowing this situation to occur. Thankfully though my normal glasses are good. It's amazing how the world looks when you can really see it.
Now to have a nice cup of tea, relax and try not to get too caught up in what my head is trying to tell me. Maybe even a Xanax before I try to go to sleep to ward off nighttime suicidality... I guess we'll see.
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