Thank you for your replies.
I feel so lost and confused. I'm supposed to be well. For all the programs I've done and time spent inpatient I shouldn't be thinking about this stuff anymore, at least not all the time. It shouldn't preoccupy my every waking thought!
There is this huge, ginormous part of me that wants to do it. I want to go to the bridge and jump where the ground isn't quite so far down. It's a valley so the middle of the bridge is where the greatest distance to the ground is. Maybe just ten or fifteen feet onto the bridge would be enough. If I do it then it'll be out of my head. I'll know what it feels like and in that moment in the air maybe I'll want to live. Maybe that is all I need!
This is not going to end well...
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