Maybe psychotherapy could support you in having a safer internal 'container' for the things you want/need to put behind you. They clearly are still eating away at something inside you, as I see it, if when confronted with them you do some intense retail 'therapy' [which just covers things over again].
The thing about therapy also, is, as I'm sure you know, that it's purpose isn't to be enjoyable. Though obviously it's helpful to have a sense of 'fit' between client and therapist. The person who does the assessment, I've heard, doesn't always do the therapy. What's the case for you?
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