It all just seems frivolous and everything I do is just...pointless. In the end it's all pointless. DBT is teaching me to stop being so impulsive...to logically think all of my actions through. Well, I have done. I have thought every logical conclusion and possibility through and my suicide isn't going to be a impulsive move. So, how is DBT going to 'fix' me if impulse isn't the underlying cause? So, why are they pushing it so much? It's clear I'm planning to kill myself; I've got a container full of fuel, I've slowly started introducing chemicals in my blood system to make the process work, I've written letters, I've made videos and I've pushed nearly everyone away. Simple as.
'They' don't care anyway. I haven't heard from my social worker since Thursday when my psych asked him to check in with me - when he told me he'd call me on Friday and Monday. Shocking isn't it? No. Not at all. I am not in the slightest bit shocked. The fact of the matter is quite simply that they don't care if I live or die. If they stop being a part of my life/my recovery they can't get any form of blame if I die.
I am officially crazy though; I've worked that much out for myself. Who says you need professionals for a diagnosis? Simple diagnosis; I AM CRAZY. Seeing things. Hearing things. Blacking out. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Sleepwalking. Paranoia. Confusion. Knowing the universe is only ever going to be balanced again when I die. C.R.A.Z.Y.
The anger. The pain. The fear. All of it. Too much. Building up. I can't stop this now. Not now.
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