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Heaven Knows · 22-06-2012, 01:24 AM

I tried to explain but she said if I want to see my GP I can't til Monday. She really tried.

My family have been helping out with money but because of my brothers and the fact that my mum's retired and my dad's illness they can't afford to keep doing it. Not to mention the fact we still need to find money from somewhere for James' headstone. The planning is mostly done...it's just facing it that's causing the issues right now.

I don't want to worry Adam and even if I do tell him he never knows what to say/do. He just says he'll get me through it but he can't. He assumes I've still got all the help/support from the professionals. At the moment I can't even think about the long run...all I care about is making the shouting and screaming and urges go away. I can't stop picturing such graphic things...dousing myself in fuel and setting myself alight, really REALLY hurting other people. All of it. I tried calling my CPN's again and my psych and even my DBT therapist after group but none of the got back to me. I tried calling crisis but I don't want the police called which is all they ever seem to do when I call. I tried to explain but they just wanted to know where I was so they could get the police to get me. I refused to tell them any more.

I'm sick of feeling unsafe and unstable and so full of anger I'm scared I might actually kill someone. It'd be so much better if I was gone from this world before I really hurt someone.

I am at my wits end. I don't know how else to get support. I dunno...maybe people are right when they say I'm just not willing to help myself. I tried though. I really did this time.

22-06-2012, 01:24 AM	#614
Heaven Knows This Member Has Left. Join Date: Jun 2007 I am currently:	I tried to explain but she said if I want to see my GP I can't til Monday. She really tried. My family have been helping out with money but because of my brothers and the fact that my mum's retired and my dad's illness they can't afford to keep doing it. Not to mention the fact we still need to find money from somewhere for James' headstone. The planning is mostly done...it's just facing it that's causing the issues right now. I don't want to worry Adam and even if I do tell him he never knows what to say/do. He just says he'll get me through it but he can't. He assumes I've still got all the help/support from the professionals. At the moment I can't even think about the long run...all I care about is making the shouting and screaming and urges go away. I can't stop picturing such graphic things...dousing myself in fuel and setting myself alight, really REALLY hurting other people. All of it. I tried calling my CPN's again and my psych and even my DBT therapist after group but none of the got back to me. I tried calling crisis but I don't want the police called which is all they ever seem to do when I call. I tried to explain but they just wanted to know where I was so they could get the police to get me. I refused to tell them any more. I'm sick of feeling unsafe and unstable and so full of anger I'm scared I might actually kill someone. It'd be so much better if I was gone from this world before I really hurt someone. I am at my wits end. I don't know how else to get support. I dunno...maybe people are right when they say I'm just not willing to help myself. I tried though. I really did this time.