Seriously. What the fuck is all this for? A year ago I had a job I was good at, I was out of debt, I had good friends at work, my family knew nothing about my depression and I wasn't facing my sons funeral in a week. Getting help was supposed to make things better and all it's done is make my life fall apart. I feel like these professionals have opened up all these doors with the promise of fixing what's inside the got bored and wandered off. I am so fucking pissed off at myself and at them. I'd lived my life trusting no one and not letting them in and what do I do? Let my guard down and they act as I expected...abandoning me like everyone else in my life does sooner or later. I have no money and I can't even face signing on or applying for jobs. We own money AGAIN. All I do all week is sit at home trying to ignore the voices screaming at me to go out and run into oncomming traffic. Why did I think it'd be different this time? All I want to do right now is cut my arms to ribbons, overdose on every medication in the house and set myself on fire. Seriously this is all building up too much. I was always described as someone who wouldn't hurt a fly but right now I just want to fatally hurt someone. I'm dangerous and not just to myself any more. Only now there's no one to tell. I've tried calling again and again and no one gets back to me. I don't see how any good can come from this right now.
Not it hasn't helped to vent because this is merely a snapshot of the chaos inside my head. Fuck I want to hurt me/something so bad. Fuck what they all tell you; this life isn't fucking worth it.
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