[Marko]

no warning label as i dont think this needs one, if it does, sorry, my bad!

lately i have gone way passed anger, frustration, stress, even depression, i have felt utter crap, i have had terrible thoughts, i have been fed up with everything my life has to offer.

to put this into perspective, i have just started a new job, well, 6 weeks ago, its much better than my previous one, it allows me to work normal hours and more to the point, to work alone. i hate working with or having people overlook me. hate it. i have also just moved house, into my first own home, with my fiance. i have not spent much time there which is a bit lame but nothing i can do about it. im working away for a few months, training and such. not going into detail, no need.

i dont know why but i went for several month being very very low, i hit a huge low a few weeks ago, didnt do ANYTHING, dont know why, no point in trying anything 'stupid' i guess.

now tho, i think maybe im passed the point of being fed up and depressed. im more at the point of nothingness. theres nothing, no depression, no enjoyment, no laughter, no nothing. its weird, like im not really functioning as a 'normal' person any more. nothing is bothering me, nothing is upsetting me, nothing is annoying me, im just sorta, what can i call it, ticking over. like a car stuck in neutral, not going anywhere, not really doing any work other than the bare minimum required to carry on ticking over. thing is, i have no interest in doing anything, no feeling that i need to do anything, not even a feeling of what i should or shouldnt be doing. perfect example is i got fined for speeding in my car last week, normally i KNOW this would have bothered me, on this occasion, i really am INDIFFERENT about it, you know, couldnt care less. it means NOTHING. just another step in my 'act normal' life.

i have perfected the art of pretending. to quote a papa roach lyric 'on the outside i look fine but on the inside i am dying. sums it all up. to the outside world i am normal, functional, happy. inside im nothing. im not normal, im not functional, im not feeling a single emotion. its weird.

sorry, i just realised how much i am going on here. i guess i need to get this s**t out.

so yeah, i mean, i have it all, a wonderful fiance, my own house, a nice car, a good job... but i dont feel any of this. my fiance was upset at me tonight for not recording a TV program, its a silly thing i know but surely the fact she is upset at me means i should feel something, regret, remorse, whatever it is, its not there, nothing. no feelings at all. its not good.

ah god i need to shut up now, nobody will read this far into this anyway. i know i struggle with larger posts so why you lot should read all this is beyond me. in fact, im going to change the label from none to rant, this has become a bit of a rant at myself. bugger.

so yeah, uhh, i dont know, i just needed to get this out and to know im not alone i guess. anyone any suggestions as to what the hell i can do about this lack of emotion? i would like to feel something, anything. heck, any one of you is welcome to come to the midlands, hunt me out, poke me in the eye and ask, 'feel anything yet'? !!!