Is there anyway you can get to the doctor and talk to them about it? I think that you could do with some care for this. Its sounds like you are cycling and it could be bi-polar and is most probably depression related (i guess thats no suprise).
All i can say is you need all the help and support you can muster. Many of us here have support medically and its still as hard as hell. So doing this all alone cant be easy at all. Meds can really help, as can having someone to talk to. It can be a long process and it can take a while to find the right combination but you can get through this.
Try to consider getting some help.
take care
Matthew x
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