Thank you Anna <3 I'm trying to do those things...the counteracting the thoughts and stuff. Also I tried calling crisis last night but I couldn't say anything to them...I just stayed quiet and then hung up after a couple of minutes. I couldn't bring myself to explain things...or tell them how close I was last night. I didn't have the words to say it.
Things are still pretty bad today. I'm trying to keep going. I'm trying to believe that there's going to be something that is going to give me the strength to get through it all. The past is just haunting me...the memories and voices and flashbacks and everything on top of losing James. I want to stop all this...to force myself to keep fighting and to stop the urges but I can't. I don't know how to...if I did I would have done it in the last eleven years. I would have fixed myself way before this.
I can't believe people when they say I'm a good person...I'm not. I'm evil and horrible and terrible and so much more. I poison every life I come into contact with...I poisoned Ben's and Tom's and Georgie's and Dan's and Matt's and Tony's and Kelly's and Tash's and now James'. If Adam had never have met me him and his family wouldn't be going through this grief. He'd still be happy and wouldn't have known what it felt like to lose someone so close to him. He wouldn't be worried that as soon as he goes back to work he's going to lose me...that as soon as I'm left alone I'm going to end it all. He wouldn't have to watch what he says/does so he doesn't trigger flashbacks and nightmares. Everyone would have been so much happier if I'd have done away with myself a long fucking time ago.
You're not supposed to bury you're children...they're supposed to bury you...
It's all getting worse as the days go by. It's like the first couple of days I didn't believe it...and now it's sinking in more and more making it harder and harder to keep going. I wake up every morning and for the first few seconds I don't remember...then it hits me again like a brick to the face. It takes my breath away and feels like a knife in my chest. I literally feel like my world crumbles every time it happens.
I can't face talking to the professionals...not now. I don't know what to say to any of them. I don't know how to try to explain the hollow, empty, hopeless feeling inside me. I literally feel like I'm made out of puzzle pieces and someone's taken the centre piece.
My brother messaged me last night; the one I'm not close to and the one who used to abuse me...he is very understanding and he was trying to make me feel better about Ben's death...but I just can't see it. He was saying that he wasn't taken from us...that it was his choice but even so...he's still gone. He also said that life isn't fair; the example he used was our father - he's a good person who's only ever done anything he could to make our lives better...no matter what he had to compromise himself...yet he's trapped inside a body which is destroying itself and he can barely move/talk/eat...anything. I can get that...I can comprehend that life isn't fair...that's fine...I just don't see why it has to be THIS unfair. There are people on this planet who lie and steal and kill and hurt others and who do everything in their life just for themselves and yet they leave untouched...then there are good, honest people who's worlds get torn to pieces. It's like punishment for living the 'right' or 'good' way.
I just don't want to keep living through more emotional and physical pain.
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