[littlemermaid]

im upset, confused, fat and want to die.

Im also not sure what to do. I had a horrible night last night I was visiting the IOP program I was in, and decided that I want to go back for the summer. I have been considering this in the past month or two. But what if im making it up? what if im not feeling bad enough for the program? I was much worse last time I was in it. I love the therapists, I dont want them to be disapointed in me needing to come back, and thinking that i dont really need to be there.

Yesterday was so horrible and I wanted to die so bad, but now i see it was just hormones. it wasnt real, i dont like that.

i do want to go back to IOP, but i dont want to eat right. i dont want to. so how will being there help? I dont know what I would talk about in open group. its not the kind of group where you just say I want to die, or whatever the issue is, you say something that othes can help you solve or figure out. I dont have anything to solve.

I also dont want to tell my mom that I want to go back. The only reason I need to is cause im on her insurance still-im 25 o she will see(and i dont want to lie/sneak around) but she has no idea i have been feeling so bad she thinks everything is fine and dandy and has been for awhile. There is so much she doesnt know. I have no doubt she will say yes. last time she said no and then instead of going straight to IOP and being proactive, I ended up in the hospital a month later.

what if im a fake and dont need anything at all? I want the attention, i want to be cared for, i feel safe there. but do I actually need it?