[earthbound_misfit]

The thing is, my life is one big coping mechanism. What I mean is that I have always tried to find (healthy) ways to cope with the pain I feel inside and to make my life better, things like persuing jobs and desire to travel, spending time with friends and making a 'home' for myself. I have been doing this, making decisions in my life carefully considering all options, to make sure I do the best thing and can cope and hopefully be happier, since I was 12 or so (I'm now nearly 27). Obviously I didn't know there was anything wrong with me as such back then, I guess I just felt I was 'bad' or deficient in some way and just kept trying to cope whilst things inside got worse and worse.
I need help. I know all the 'coping' stuff but I want to get better, to be able to hold down a job and stuff (I have been employed only about 2.5 yrs in total, ever, didn't go to uni, place to do nurse training withdrawn due to mh probs and criminal record **it was the mh problems and all the vicious and untrue stuff written by the mh people that did it**) I experienced hell at the hands of professionals when I was younger (have nightmares about it now), and now in a different area I find the dismissive, stigmatising attitude is there again.
Things don't just get magically better when you have many years of hurt and trauma inside you; I need therapy.
As for being suicidal; I'm not just randomly and regularly suicidal, I have only been at very bad times of my life (abusive bf, homeless etc) and recently as I feel there are really no other options left.

For the record, things are now so bad I stay in bed a lot/most of the time despite putting in so much effort to try to be ok, I struggle to do the most basic things, I feel exhausted all the time and phsically heavy and just want the world to disappear. I also, apparently, have night terrors during which I cry and wander around confused, and hit myself on the head; as well as nightmares that I remember.
I'm sorry I don't mean to criticise your reply, it's just I feel at a total dead end now. I need help and can't get it. I can't do this alone; I tried and ended up having to ask for help.