I definitely understand this. I am also terrified of sex. I mean, I am not a virgin. I've been raped and have been in an intimate relationship, but I would basically just let him do what he wanted to me and I would take xanax and just shut my eyes tight and go off somewhere in my head. I think a lot of my problem has to do with my body dysmorphic disorder and anorexia. I'm so uncomfortable with my body. If I can't even look in the mirror without clothes why would I be okay with somebody else looking at it.
Anyways, have you talked to anybody about or been in therapy for your trauma? Also, have you ever talked with your significant other about your anxieties over intimacy or about your history? If you are in a serious relationship with somebody who respects your decision to wait until marriage, I think it would be a good idea to open up to the person about it. I know it would be super hard, but if it's somebody you love and trust and plan to spend your life with, I think it would be really helpful for you to be able to talk about it and maybe take things slow at a pace you are comfortable with and build up to intimacy.
Just an idea!
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