[Wonderful.]

I'm sorry for posting, I am just feeling absolutely horrific and I don't know what else to do.

Been in hospital for 2 months, was discharged on Tuesday, diagnosed with BPD.
Long story short, I have never ever been this 'unwell' my mind is completely boggled and I feel just so overwhelmed and scared that there aren't any words or actions I can do to even begin to describe how bad I feel right now.
Everything just feels so confusing and completely empty, I feel like I've had every single thing that makes me 'me' sucked out with a vacuum and I'm scared I'll never get even a small amount of that back. I am just completely numb, empty and void of all feelings and I'm terrified.

I'm trapped inside my own mind, there is absolutely no hope left anymore, I can't speak, and therapy is apparently the only thing in the world that might possibly make this even slightly better. My voice will not work, I speak and I feel SO unreal, like another person that I don't recognise, it feels like my brain and self aren't connected, in my head I am different, I know what I need to say, then my 'self' changes and adapts it.
Sosososo trapped.

I literally have no idea what I'm even doing, like I'm doing and acting in a way I don't even recognise. I've had symptoms of BPD for years, but this feels extreme and out of control, and I'm scared that there may never be a way back to even remotely 'functioning'. I have to go back to work soon, and I work in mental health, how can I possibly begin to understand mental illness anymore when this has consumed and is eating me alive? But I have to work, have to have some sort of 'grounding', a purpose, a way to feel even remotely 'real' again.

I probably need a new job now due to section, but I don't have a clue what or how, I don't know who I am, what interests I have, I know nothing, I'm not even a real person, I'm just pretend, fake.

Self harm doesn't work anymore, drink right now is a lethal combination with my impulsiveness and weed will only make me lose touch with reality more, I realise my coping mechanisms are all self destructive, but I can't concentrate, can't grip onto reality long enough to even begin to think pro- active.

I am beyond help, beyond any hope.
I don't feel actively suicidal right now though, just absolutely desperate to make some sense of just anything. I'm so scared. Just any words might help, anything... Just I'm sorry I'm being needy, I just can't cope, I can't do anything anymore, I have lost myself. Lost touch with reality.

Sorry for posting, thank you for listening...