[-Shae-Lynn*]

Hello lovely veteran-zone people,

I've posted in here once or twice in the past but I always feel kind of awkward and guilty doing so because I don't come into this section much and I'm not really a "veteran". Hopefully it's okay that I'm posting here. If not, feel free to ask me to leave. I won't make a scene, promise :)

The reason I've come to you all is because this is a "grown-up" problem and there are quite a few younger members in the general area and to be honest I didn't want to get told by a 15 year old to grow up or that "it's sooo much fun". Yeah, I care what other people think. A lot. Even faceless, anonymous strangers on the internet. I'm kind of pathetic.

I'm twenty-one years old and a virgin. When I was little I decided that I wasn't going to have sex with anyone until I got married. This decision wasn't based upon a religious idea or one planted by my parents. My brother has had sex. He's also gotten drunk and high on many occasions, another thing that I do not plan on ever doing. I just decided one day that the first time I did it I wanted it to be special and not a one-night stand or some boy from school.

I got into a very difficult relationship and ended up getting engaged to a guy. He is 4 years older than I am. He has had sex with a few different girls and while he appreciated the fact that I did not want to have sex until marriage he didn't understand. His theory was that we were engaged, what's the difference. He pushed me a lot into things that I was not comfortable with. He would guilt trip me into doing "favours" for him but I was incredibly stubborn about the fact that I would not have sex with him.

Turns out it was for the best as we broke up only a few months into the engagement. I broke up with him after finally coming to my senses. Best decision I've ever made.

What has now occurred to me is that I am absolutely terrified of basically everything to do with sex. I'm not against masturbation or people watching porn (though I don't watch it), it's just anything that involves another person freaks me out. I don't want to be touched. My friends will give me a hug and it actually makes me so anxious. The idea of having sex scares me a lot. I want to have babies eventually so the whole not having sex thing could put a serious damper on that one.

I really don't know where this is coming from. I was assaulted when I was 13 but it was only touching of my chest and "down there" though he did go inside with his fingers. I wasn't raped. I wasn't held down and beaten. I wasn't left for dead after someone had sex with me. I don't understand why I'm so scared of this.

I have friends who have had sex with tones of boys. Friends who lost their virginity before I even got my period. Friends who are 18 and have babies.

Am I just broken? Or being ridiculous? Is everyone afraid of sex until they do it? While this isn't an issue right now because I don't have a boyfriend nor am I anywhere near getting married, I feel like it could drive a huge wedge into any future relationships.