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AtomicRevenge · 28-04-2012, 09:20 PM

Hi so... I apologize if this doesn't make much sense I'm kinda all over the place right now. I'm terrified. I guess it's in my nature to be scared, but lately, I'm scared of absolutely everything, people, things, even food. I'm scared someone's put something in my food, or that there will be something like hair or a bug or something in it (school food, I board). What scares me most however, is ME.

I'm scared of myself and of what I'm capable (or not) of doing. I have exams soon, GCSEs, and I should do quite well, I just have a lot of them (I have like... 20 exams if not more.). I'm also scared of failing them, even though I shouldn't be. It's a completely irrational fear.... Maybe that's whats affecting how I feel about myself and what I'm doing.

Basically the other day I was getting changed and I looked in the mirror and there were cuts above my hip, regular, fresh, thin slashes. I JUMPED literally. My reaction was "how the HELL did I get that". From thier regularity I figured i'd done that to myself. I don't remember doing it though, at all...
I was looking through some boxes a few days ago, and I stumbled upon a bag full of dismantled pencil sharpeners and loose screws. Not a single blade left in them. I don't remember taking them apart either. I don't know where the blades are...
I found some pills too, randomly. I'm so scared because I don't understand how this is happening. I have no memory of stashing all this stuff or where I've stashed it, and I'm really scared that if I flip completely, I might do something really, REALLY stupid.

I'm so scared. I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. I've told my two closest friends (one of them saw me on here and put 2 and 2 together so I told her and gave her the one blade I had. The other figured it out when I mentioned the Design department needing new pencil sharpeners, she used to SH too...) but it's not making me feel any safer. What if I take enough pills to knock me out cold? I sleep a lot, so everyone will just assume I went to bed early. Nobody will know, in a house of 60 people, nobody will suspect a thing until the matron tries to wake me nearly 18h later or something. I don't want to die, not yet, not without leaving something to make people understand...
I'm sorry... <3

28-04-2012, 09:20 PM	#1
AtomicRevenge Join Date: Feb 2012 I am currently:	Terrified... Hi so... I apologize if this doesn't make much sense I'm kinda all over the place right now. I'm terrified. I guess it's in my nature to be scared, but lately, I'm scared of absolutely everything, people, things, even food. I'm scared someone's put something in my food, or that there will be something like hair or a bug or something in it (school food, I board). What scares me most however, is ME. I'm scared of myself and of what I'm capable (or not) of doing. I have exams soon, GCSEs, and I should do quite well, I just have a lot of them (I have like... 20 exams if not more.). I'm also scared of failing them, even though I shouldn't be. It's a completely irrational fear.... Maybe that's whats affecting how I feel about myself and what I'm doing. Basically the other day I was getting changed and I looked in the mirror and there were cuts above my hip, regular, fresh, thin slashes. I JUMPED literally. My reaction was "how the HELL did I get that". From thier regularity I figured i'd done that to myself. I don't remember doing it though, at all... I was looking through some boxes a few days ago, and I stumbled upon a bag full of dismantled pencil sharpeners and loose screws. Not a single blade left in them. I don't remember taking them apart either. I don't know where the blades are... I found some pills too, randomly. I'm so scared because I don't understand how this is happening. I have no memory of stashing all this stuff or where I've stashed it, and I'm really scared that if I flip completely, I might do something really, REALLY stupid. I'm so scared. I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. I've told my two closest friends (one of them saw me on here and put 2 and 2 together so I told her and gave her the one blade I had. The other figured it out when I mentioned the Design department needing new pencil sharpeners, she used to SH too...) but it's not making me feel any safer. What if I take enough pills to knock me out cold? I sleep a lot, so everyone will just assume I went to bed early. Nobody will know, in a house of 60 people, nobody will suspect a thing until the matron tries to wake me nearly 18h later or something. I don't want to die, not yet, not without leaving something to make people understand... I'm sorry... <3
AtomicRevenge Join Date: Feb 2012 I am currently:	One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life, I chose my life and you left, But you didn't know that My Life is you.