[Aubergine]

I've got a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder: depressive type. It's pretty well controlled with medication - I have very few breakthrough symptoms and live a full and active life most of the time. Relapse worries me though and the possibility is always at the back of my mind.

Relapse, for me, tends to be pretty bad. I've been sectioned, at my home, four out of the past five times and put on the locked ward twice. I've lost my home, jobs, my friends and some of my family because of my behaviour. Picking up the pieces is so exhausting for me and everyone around me.

I guess in part, it's good that I'm mindful that I may become unwell again - it means I look out for the warning signs and so may be able to prevent a full on mad attack. At the same time, being vigilant sucks. I don't want to have to think about it. I'm 24 and life my life like someone much older because I'm so scared of going mental.

I've been in hospital once a year every year for the past four years. I feel like I'm just waiting for this year's admission to happen and it sucks.