Thanks Clare.
I have to keep watch of the scales. It's the only way.
Tonight I can't sleep because the number isn't safe and I have to stay awake and be vigilant to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone. I'm really scared. And I know I'm being a wimp but the tasks I have to do to make up for gaining frighten me... I don't want to. But if I can't keep people safe I have to.
Uni at 8:30. Six hours. I must stay awake. The day is better even though he can hide in the light.
I do'nt understand why people are proud at me for being greedy and overeating and gaining fat. I categorically can not gain weight because then people get hurt unless I do things to offset the gain. And the things I have to do are scary and bad. I knwo I only have to do them while I lose the weight again but it's still scary. And I know that makes me selfish because I don't matter and it's about keeping people safe. I'm just so tired of having to work out plansand things to do and what is right and what will make him happy and i just do'nt care anymore and would rather be dead.
My CC tellsme these thoughts are just in my head. If they're just in my head then let me die and they will cease to exist with me. THen people will be safe.
|