Originally Posted by
Bellatrix
Because the times I have been a higher or healthier weight I have been abused, raped used and treated badly. Which, admittedly, I probably deserved. But I am selfish and I can't deal with that happening again. So I maintain a lower weight and lose weight to protect myself from them hurting me again. I'm aware it's not fully logical, but for som reason, when I gain, I get hurt.
I also find that looking unwell is a way I can let people know they should stay away.
I'd worry that being a healthy weight would mean I was either hurt again, or other people will be out at risk because of me.
I do understand this Jodie, I do, it's a huge factor and reason I can't move on from where I am and why I stray and fall back to the ED - but the Facts are that realistically you are at more risk of being hurt - not in the same way but certainly in others. *hug* You don't see it but you do not deserve to be hurt. You deserve love and laughter - health and happiness - you deserve the right to see your friends and those who love you and to enjoy your life, to eat well, and feel well. You deserve LIFE Jodie. Not this hellish prison of fear and misery you are currently living in.
Get healthy, get well, Show those fucckers who hurt you just how amazing you are - by getting well, take up a martial art, learn to protect and nurture yourself and enjoy your life.
You NEVER deserved or asked for what happened. It was never your fault, it was never you, and size would have been irrelevant most of those times.
I'm sorry if I've been harsh, I just care.
Much love. You deserve more. You are worth more. And you are, for the record, tiny. It's not a lie.
xxxx