[Jynxed]

Hey guys,

I haven't always been the most active, but i've been trying the past few years. I'm not going to lie to you of all people. I'm drunk as I write this. I have been having a very hard time dealing with my depression this semester and really, the only thing keeping me from cutting is my boyfriend's disapproval.

I feel like the only thing keepinf me from self harm is drug using and drinking- I'm talking about cigarettes and alcohol rather than anything illegal in the USA. I'm not really even sure if this cigarette use is better than the cutting that I've relied on for so many years. I use it the same way, and it's kept me from any form of self harm, unless you consider drinking and cigarettes as self harm. I've gotten my professors to allow me a week of to help me recover and help manage some way that does not require me to withdraw from the semester.

I've been having trouble getting out of bed unless it's with the promise of some sort of escape from the real-world. I feel like I haven't been living there the past two weeks, and I don't feel like I can. I am dreading Monday where I will need to deal with things that exist again. I want to stay in this realm of half-fantasy I have been in. I have considered even checking myself into a hospital if it would facilitate this fantasy where I don't need to deal with things this moment. I really balancing on this dissociative cusp, where I could fall either way. It's a troubling place to hold, but I am afraid to tell any consulting psychiatric about it for fear of being placed in a hospital without need.

When is it that I should seek such things? Should I be in a place where I migh self harm/ or should I only be in a place of a uncanny unbalance? one that coudl be manageable in time?

I've been free from self harm for nearly a year, but I could really use the advice of other vertrines right now. how do you cope with those time where you're at your lowest? how do you make it manageable?

I've already have an appointment to see a counciller next week. I wish I could make it sooner, but I couldn't. This is the first time in years I feel I've really needed it, but I'm not surprised; my father passe last spring semester, adn I'm not sure how much is me getting over it, and how much is me ignoring that he;s gone.

you have always helped me though the worst parts of my life, and I've tried to return that wherever I can.
Thank you so much for your help and advice, I'm eternally grateful.

Forever yours

Jynxed.