Have you tried all the helplines? I know I don't much like calling my local HTT (you have to be 'under' them anyway, and it's only for two weeks) but they're not that bad. However, we have a crisis line that runs across a lot of North Yorkshire and I find them very supportive... I never tell them I have BPD and they never ask. Maybe it's worth trying a different helpline, like Saneline or something.
You could also perhaps e-mail the Samaritans, they're used to people struggling with suicidal thoughts. It can help just to write it out.
Maybe it would be worth talking with your psychologist about the e-mail arrangement, and think with her about what constitutes suicide threats and just where the boundaries are so that you feel more confident about reaching out to her.
Do you have a CPA coming up any time soon? If not, as far as I'm aware you can ask for one to be arranged at any time. It might be worth getting a new care plan written up that you're in the driving seat for, which outlines what you find difficult in reaching out for crisis support and what might help.
Remember that there is always RYL and the Supporters too.
I'm sorry you're not feeling helped by services and are feeling judged; it shouldn't be like that but so often is, especially when someone is diagnosed with BPD. I wish it was respected and appreciated that often people with BPD are doing the absolute best they can to manage continually turbulent and distressing emotions.
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