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one_step_closer · 11-02-2012, 10:44 PM

There's so much going through my head and I feel like I need to tell someone but I don't know who to turn to. The only time I get to share how i'm feeling is once a fortnight when I see my psychologist but I don't feel like I get anything much from my appointments. It's hard to hold everything inside for two weeks. I see my OT once a fortnight too but I don't tell her much because she focuses more on getting me out and about. I'm allowed to email my psychologist as long as I don't threaten suicide but the last time I emailed her I worded the email very carefully but she still thought I was threatening suicide and was annoyed and I don't want to go through that again.

I could phone the voluntary crisis team but they are quite judgemental and see BPD as a behaviour problem so believe that I can control my actions and am choosing to behave badly. I also don't think they believe that I have men in my head. They have never helped me anyway, they usually just tell me to watch TV or go online, and because i've been too scared to contact them they'll say that i've obviously been doing fine.

I don't find helplines much use either because most of the time there is silence when I have finished talking because the person doesn't know what to say or they just repeat what I have said.

If I phone NHS 24 they might get an out of hours GP to see me but all they do is give me some medication to try and make me less agitated and I don't need that right now.

I don't want to go to A&E to talk to someone from the psychiatric assessment team because the last time I went I didn't even get to speak to someone. The person came and told me that I would not be admitted to hospital and that I should go home and stop wasting their time. I only wanted someone to listen to me.

Since I have been diagnosed with BPD people have been very judegemental towards me and act as if they couldn't care less and I don't deserve any support. I have been told that I am playing the system and that I am manipulative and attention seeking. What people think of me affects me a lot so i'm reluctant to reach out to anyone for fear what what they might think about me. I just want someone to care and to help me work through my emotional pain. Can anyone think of anyone else I might be able to contact or something that I could do to make things easier? I wish I could dissociate on demand.

11-02-2012, 10:44 PM	#1
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	Who to reach out to? There's so much going through my head and I feel like I need to tell someone but I don't know who to turn to. The only time I get to share how i'm feeling is once a fortnight when I see my psychologist but I don't feel like I get anything much from my appointments. It's hard to hold everything inside for two weeks. I see my OT once a fortnight too but I don't tell her much because she focuses more on getting me out and about. I'm allowed to email my psychologist as long as I don't threaten suicide but the last time I emailed her I worded the email very carefully but she still thought I was threatening suicide and was annoyed and I don't want to go through that again. I could phone the voluntary crisis team but they are quite judgemental and see BPD as a behaviour problem so believe that I can control my actions and am choosing to behave badly. I also don't think they believe that I have men in my head. They have never helped me anyway, they usually just tell me to watch TV or go online, and because i've been too scared to contact them they'll say that i've obviously been doing fine. I don't find helplines much use either because most of the time there is silence when I have finished talking because the person doesn't know what to say or they just repeat what I have said. If I phone NHS 24 they might get an out of hours GP to see me but all they do is give me some medication to try and make me less agitated and I don't need that right now. I don't want to go to A&E to talk to someone from the psychiatric assessment team because the last time I went I didn't even get to speak to someone. The person came and told me that I would not be admitted to hospital and that I should go home and stop wasting their time. I only wanted someone to listen to me. Since I have been diagnosed with BPD people have been very judegemental towards me and act as if they couldn't care less and I don't deserve any support. I have been told that I am playing the system and that I am manipulative and attention seeking. What people think of me affects me a lot so i'm reluctant to reach out to anyone for fear what what they might think about me. I just want someone to care and to help me work through my emotional pain. Can anyone think of anyone else I might be able to contact or something that I could do to make things easier? I wish I could dissociate on demand.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.