Its days like today, when I begin to feel that perhaps, this is all in my head. Today, there has been no challenges, no frustrations, done all that I have wanted to do.
But then, my mind casts back to what I have done to get to this place. I have not left the house for 2 days, slept an average of 16 hours a day and done nothing. the reason there has been no frustration, is because I have given up doing things. The most challenging thing I have done, is climbed a flight of stairs. At 25, there should be more to my life.
But, it is also in days like today, where I feel the greatest hope. If I have managed today, then I can manage tomorrow and that thought carries me through to the next day after.
something in my mind keeps shouting, there has to be more. I have to have missed something. There is an easy solution, that I am just not seeing. Visions run through my head, of speaking to my surgeon, of him laughing and saying dont be silly, there are tons of options. or here take this pill three times a day and you will be cured by next tuesday.
There has to be something that I am not seeing. There has to be. There has got to be more to it. There has to be a purpose, a point to the whole thing. Like a great revelation. Some big conclusion, that makes you go, ah i see.
I cant have fought all this for nothing. I have had 9 years that I shouldnt have had and for that, I am so so grateful. I have done and seen so much and met some wonderful people. I have grown in ways I never knew possible and learnt so much. But that is the bitter sweet part, doing all that, I want more, I want to keep doing it. There has to be more options. There is something that i am not seeing.
Sometimes time, goes so fast, it moves in a blur and sometimes, so slow that, minutes feel like hours. I need time to go now, I need to speak to my docs and find out where i am at. I need answers.
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